How other people perceive us is important to most of us. As children, we seek the approval of our parents and our childhood friends and try so hard to be the best we can and not disappoint them. When we become adults and marry, this desire to please is transferred to our spouses and our children. We want to be the best wife or husband and mother or father, and in this process we often lose the vision of who we really are and who we need to be to please and satisfy ourselves. Even in our professional lives, we are constantly working to attain success in our jobs and careers by impressing our bosses with what we feel they expect from our job performance. This is, of course, a part of life and most likely necessary, but this may not always fulfill the true happiness we need and seek.
Throughout my life, I have always felt the need to be what others expected me to be. My late mother was an educator so growing up I felt as if I had to be the best student in my class. I worked extremely hard to reach my number one status as valedictorian of my high school graduating class. I needed the approval of my mother and felt this was the ultimate way to receive it. As a wife and mother, I felt obligated to take care of my husband and son and the family pets in the best way I could. I wanted them to have the best home life possible. Teacher Randi gave her students one hundred percent of her educational skills and creative ability by preparing interesting and well-planned daily lessons and by evaluating all papers and exams as quickly as humanly possible. Being an effective teacher is what I knew my students demanded and needed. I also always sought the endorsement of my principals, my school supervisors, and my fellow teachers because I hoped to be viewed as an excellent teacher in their eyes as well. In the process of trying to be so many different roles to so many different groups of people in my life, at times I felt I did not know who I truly was. 
When I retired after many years of being an educator, my life changed drastically. My husband and I were now empty nesters. Our son was married and living far away in Europe and no longer needed my guidance. My mother sadly passed away in June 2012. Except for the three months, I taught in Cairo, Egypt, and the occasional online tutoring I do with some international students now, I was no longer needed by students. Slowly as the years have passed by, I have lost more and more contact with the professional educators that were a large part of my life. I found myself in a strange situation in which people in my life no longer needed me or had any expectations for me, except of course, for my husband. I had existed on these expectations all of my life. They dictated my actions. They had directed my life. The first year after I retired, I was literally confused, lonely, and unhappy. I felt useless and lost. 
Being basically a strong woman all of my life though, I realized that this state of mind was unhealthy, and that I had to stop and re-evaluate my personal life. For the first time in such a long time, I asked myself this question: What are my expectations for me? I began seriously to think about things I wanted to do next…..my dreams…..new goals… things I had never thought were possible when I was trying to please others before pleasing myself. Lo and behold, I discovered through the writing of my book about Egypt, my poems, my blogs, my videos, and my t-shirt designs that maybe I had a new talent to share my words, my acquired wisdom, and my unique experiences with the readers. A whole new career has opened up for me. I now spend many hours a day writing, creating, and thinking about how I can live up to my own personal expectations of becoming a better writer every day. Creating or writing something I feel is good is so rewarding to me and makes me happy. If others enjoy my work, then I am even happier, but I have discovered that pleasing me is the most important thing now. I do not always feel the need for approval by others because I now approve of me.
Randi D. Ward
June 25, 2013
